Dear Edahn,Why do men sometimes like women who I would characterize as crazy or disturbed or excessively needy? I have my own theory, but yours is probably more informed/better articulated.
Curious in Cali
~ ~ ~
Dear Curious,
To make sure I understood your question, I interpreted "crazy, disturbed, and needy" as the kind of girl who is always making problems, needs lots of assurances, has a pervasive feeling of abandonment-anxiety, and can't sit still and go with the flow. Does that match your image? If so, off the top of my head, I can think of 4 reasons men get involved with girls who are needy. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to refer to the female as the needy partner, though obviously it can be reversed.
1. The men don't realize that their partners are needy until after they become attracted to other qualities. To borrow an idea from economics, they end up invested in part of the person and become unwilling to relinquish that investment after having sunk so much time, money, and effort.
2. Some men like needy girls because it gives them power. It makes them feel accepted and cared for. Needy girls also do not pose threats to men. They are inherently subservient/submissive, and that gives men an upper hand in the relationship. It gives them power. According to Emerson (1962) dependency is the basis of power. Supply/demand relationships (which in relationships, you can think of as merely having other quality dating options) are the basis of dependency. The theory is called Power-Dependence Theory and is full of awesome.
Power gives guys freedom from insecurity and self-consciousness. They can feel free to act however they want because they know they'll be accepted in the end. In my experience, if there is too great a disparity in power and dependence, the guy will lose interest.
3. Needy girls conjure up pity and sympathy in their counterparts and make guys feel "gooey" or feel the intensity of drama. This is the modus operandi of the needy person: they play psychological games for "strokes." Strokes are offerings of superficial praise, pity, or commitment-assurances. Strokes give the needy person a temporary feeling of acceptance and security that should really be coming from the needy person themselves. For example, the needy person might pick a fight over something she twisted to look like a rejection. The fight ends when the guy professes his love, apologizes (triggering pity), or gives the girl some sweeping praise. The common thread is the feeling that's produced, which I can only describe as gooey, fuzzy, and warm that drowns out insecurity and fear. The warm fuzz, however, fades like a cheap high and the needy individual starts to want it more and more. It becomes a form of addiction and the neediness spirals out of control as they become desensitized to the drug, needing bigger and strong doses.
What about the guy? The girl's games evoke one of two reactions in the guy. Some games will evoke pity. The girl will feign weakness or vulnerability to trigger the guy's nurturing response. The nurturing response is gooey and fuzzy and the guy enjoys it. He likes the warm fuzz and even starts to think it has something to do with love. Part of his confusion is based on media protrayals of love as a painful, dramatic, intense pushing-and-pulling. Those stereotypes help him justify what is obviously an unhealthy pattern. Sometimes he will respond with anger, where the guy will reject the girl's attempts at control and manipulation. The anger is a form of drama and is, imho, the most addictive substance.
The fuzzy-feeling he gets, the drama, and the way it conforms with his expectations of love make him pursue rather than withdraw from the relationship. You end up with 2 addicts whose addictions are mutually reinforcing. That's a very strong pattern.
4. Needy relationships fill up silences. The neediness creates a dynamic that gives both players a role, as well as a script. This helps the couple avoid feelings of silence, emptiness, and loneliness. Those feelings crop up when people don't know themselves (or trust themselves) well enough to create their own script naturally. They look for a script that'll help them structure their interaction in a way that is supposed to ensure the survival of the relationship. I see this all the time without drama too -- people playing the role of a husband and wife. Of course, not having your own script, you have no chance for real intimacy, just its synthetic counterpart; you are just an actor in your own life.
What're some of your ideas, Curious?
6 comments:
Hey Edahn, It's Heather... So I think that there are some guys that like needy women because they have a caregiver personality. They like to feel needed and important by taking care of someone. A lot of people have this personality type.
I remember there was an episode of Malcolm in the Middle, and the dad on that show was used to taking care of the bitchy mom... She had these really sore feet everyday after working, and the dad loved massaging her feet-- it made him feel important and needed and it was part of their dymanic. One day, she got these expensive insoles, and her feet stopped hurting. He was so upset that he wasn't needed, that he hid the insoles so she would have to have painful feet he needed to massage.
I think that genreally, modern day young men don't seem to like needy women, and it seems like something of an older generation. But maybe I'm wrong... It may still be common, I don't know. I like your analysis, though, just wanted to add my thoughts.
Hey Heather. I reworked point 3 just as you were posting your reply. I agree. I think lots of people like playing the caregiver because it feels fuzzy and warm. After a while, though, I think it starts to become exhausting and trust/safety begins to deteriorate.
Yes, very great points indeed!!
I also think this could happen if they guy is raised by a single mother and grew up being her caregiver. He was always given the role of the helper, and this is how love was shown to him. Thus he looks for a woman with similar characteristics and plays out the same drama with her.
I try to look at it as there is someone for everyone. People fit together with who they are-- their strengths and weaknesses. I think most relationships have one member that is more needy than the other. And it fits together like puzzle pieces. I guess the problem occurs if it's seriously out of balance OR the guy gets really sick of the neediness... But if they guy finds fulfillment in it, then I don't see it being a super big problem... Do you?
You're definitely right that some men are more comfortable with the nurturing role than others, and that upbringing and the identity you form around it can have a lot to do with the relationship dynamics you gravitate towards. (Shit! Ended with a preposition!)
Whether it's a problem or not depends on what you consider a problem. If we take an ideal relationship to be one whether there is intimacy and care, then I think it WOULD be a problem. Although there would be care, I think neediness has a tendency to vitiate intimacy.
First off, the person who is needy will have lots of trouble being open and relaxed. They are preoccupied with abandonment and engage in a variety of games, thoughts, and behaviors in order to sooth those concerns. Instead of maintaining an open connection to themselves and to their experience, they try to manipulate it and resist it, or even "process it" in a certain way with hopes of making it pass. It's all work, all thinking, all a form of resistance. The end result is that the person no longer feels like themselves but more like a caricature of themselves. I know because I've experienced it a LOT. If you're too busy trying to be a certain person, you have no time to be yourself, and if you're not yourself, there's no one to connect to, regardless of how available your partner may be.
Second, you have to consider the effects on your (not you personally, Heather) partner. If he sees it as a form of subordination and becomes empowered (see point #2) he may lose respect for you. On the other hand, if you are constantly making requests of your partner and develop a hypersensitivity to his actions and decisions, your partner may start to become self-conscious and on edge. The needy compensatory behaviors send the signal that it is unsafe to let one's guard down. He will also become preoccupied with your abandonment-anxiety and begin to think it has to be dealt with or resisted. He will start to play the role of the caretaker/parent and will be afraid to drop this role. Playing a role is not authentic, and by definition, will make genuine intimacy impossible.
Will it work? Sure. It works very well because their roles are entangled. Will it be spiritually nourishing? I think nourishment and vitality grow out of self-connection. If both partners do not feel safe, they shift into defensive-vigilant mode and self-connection is hard maintain there without practice. In the end, I think that maintaining connection and ALLOWING the anxiety to be there is the solution. Just being open to it, curious, and not feeling guilty or ashamed for having it so there's no sudden rush to tamper with it.
I have found that some men have developed this into an art where they try and "reduce" the woman to being dependent, so they can get a warm fuzzy feeling of looking after her and proving to themselves that they are in charge after all. All my friends who are strong independant women say they have has trouble with this. Just when both parties are enjoying themselves, dating, going out, laughing, then he will notice "help" that she needs. Note, this is not about problems she has asked him to help on! He notices she has a problem and he will fix it for her. She obviously cannot do it herself (so he says) and sets about pitying her etc. How can anyone resist this? haha On the other hand, I think women who are needy are perceived as being "cute" in our society and deserving of care and sympathy - how endearing! I believe we are all needy and dependent with some things and this is natural. It only becomes a problem when the other has not the skills to deal with it, which is an art lost from generations past. The art of gentle companionship and compassion sems to be gone in our times of bing busy and wanting people as consumer goods. It affects all our mental health.
That's interesting. I was going to write something along the same lines about role-playing in relationships and deriving value from your partner's dependence. I'll get that out later today or tomorrow.
Post a Comment