Transference in Online Relationships? (user submitted)

Dear AmateurShrink,

What are your thoughts on transference and countertransference with particular regard to online friend/relationships?

Attentively yours,

Lustful in London

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Dear Lustful,

Lets quickly define the terms tranference and counter-transference. Webster's defines transference as "a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, esp[ecially] of childhood, and the substitution of another person ... for the original object of the repressed impulses." In other words, I was mad at my father, but I'm taking it out on you, or, you were afraid of some guy, and now you're afraid of me. While transference implies a patient projecting feelings onto a therapist, counter-transference contemplates the reverse situation.

Transference is interesting, but not as interesting as it's hot sister, erotic transference. Erotic transference happens when patients fall in love with their therapists. Remember that this idea is Freudian, so we have to start from infancy, where you only had five major psychological disorders. The sequence goes something like this:

1. Baby needs mother's attention to survive.

2. Mother gives baby attention. Baby becomes attached to mother and fixates on her.

3. Baby craves mother and feels "love."

4. Mother has other things to do in her life and must occasionally neglect baby's needs.

5. (Cry)Baby is distraught and represses traumatic breach with mother. Wah!

6. Baby grows up, gets into several dysfunctional relationships, starts smoking crack, becomes a prostitute, and changes her name to Trixie.

7. Trixie visits Therapist seeking advice.

8. Therapist is attentive to Trixie's feelings and needs.

9. Trixie is reminded of the attention she received from her mother, back in 1-3.

10. Trixie transfers the feelings of love she felt for her mother onto Therapist and now begins fixating on him.

11. Therapist says "it must have been hard to be disappointed when you were a child" to coax Trixie into releasing the trauma incurred when she was disappointed by her mother in 4.

Interesting, huh? I don't buy it, but it's interesting. I think it's more likely that we evolved certain fixed emotional "programs" to help us cling to our caretakers, and that these program are executed when we meet new caretakers. But I don't really think that we're thinking about our mothers when we meet these people, and I don't think we need to rehash past traumas. That only reinforces and validates weak, needy living. Instead, tell the person that their feelings make sense, but that real love is something that grows out of independence, not neediness.

Okay, finally, lets get back to your question. Can transference happen in online relationships? It probably happens in all your relationships in some mild form. If you've been rejected by a guy, you'll transfer some of your hurt and fear onto the next guy you meet and perceive him as untrustworthy. Same goes if you're angry.

And what about the erotic type? Look, if you're attracted to me, just say so.

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Why can't I cry? (user submitted)

Dear Edahn,

Why can't I cry? I get close, but I just get choked up.

Sincerely,

Choking in Chile

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Dear Choking,

Crying is kind of like an orgasm except you don't feel guilty afterwards. If you are too self-conscious, you'll be tense and your awareness absorbed in your mind rather than in your body. I'm going to assume safely that as you approach the crying-threshhold, you get excited and become aware of the fact that you might start to cry. You might get so excited that you try to draw it out, mentally. That's the point where you're becoming self-conscious and tensing up.

The solution is to give up the self-consciousness and over-thinking, but of course that's tricky, because the way we're used to accomplishing things is through thinking and controlling our thouoghts. If you try and apply that to crying, having an orgasm, or anything that requires sponteneity (e.g., humor, creativity, empathy) you're essentially using your thoughts to try and stop thoughts. That's kind of like disseminating a chain letter encouraging people to take a stand against chain letters. Take action before it's too late! Fwd this to 100 people and a unicorn will appear on your desktop and speak Spanish.

The real way to stop thoughts isn't by out-thinking them or surpressing them, but by laughing at them or understanding them and in turn slowly divesting them of power. When you see the thought that is tripping you up (in your case, a brief wish to expedite the crying process) you can simply understand why it's there. You don't need to make it go away, or change it, or whatever. Just notice it and maybe have a laugh at the entire dillema: I want something badly, but my wanting is preventing me from having it. Great. LOL. Find some sad stuff (see the following paragraph) and just experience what you're experiencing at the moment. If the desire to cry faster pops up, fine. Just continue with what it is you were doing. Let it be there in the background.

You could also try satisfying the need to cry. That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Edahn. Yeah, I get that, but what I mean is give up on the need to cry for now. Suspend it. How? Pace yourself. Take a week to allow yourself to just get choked up and not cry at all. Not only should you not care if you cry, TRY TO NOT CRY EVEN IF YOU WANT TO. Take an hour a day to get in touch with issues of the heart -- things that you find emotional, beautiful, and pure. Stories of inspirational kids would be a pretty safe bet. Music is good. Hope is good. Renewal is good. (Have you seen UP? There're some really beautiful scenes.) In the second week, bring yourself to a deeper emotional state, still, without crying. In the third week, let your self get misty-eyed. If you don't cry by the third week, have your doctor check your tear ducts, you miserable bastard.

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Why do men go for needy girls? (user submitted)

Dear Edahn,

Why do men sometimes like women who I would characterize as crazy or disturbed or excessively needy? I have my own theory, but yours is probably more informed/better articulated.

Curious in Cali

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Dear Curious,

To make sure I understood your question, I interpreted "crazy, disturbed, and needy" as the kind of girl who is always making problems, needs lots of assurances, has a pervasive feeling of abandonment-anxiety, and can't sit still and go with the flow. Does that match your image? If so, off the top of my head, I can think of 4 reasons men get involved with girls who are needy. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to refer to the female as the needy partner, though obviously it can be reversed.

1. The men don't realize that their partners are needy until after they become attracted to other qualities. To borrow an idea from economics, they end up invested in part of the person and become unwilling to relinquish that investment after having sunk so much time, money, and effort.

2. Some men like needy girls because it gives them power. It makes them feel accepted and cared for. Needy girls also do not pose threats to men. They are inherently subservient/submissive, and that gives men an upper hand in the relationship. It gives them power. According to Emerson (1962) dependency is the basis of power. Supply/demand relationships (which in relationships, you can think of as merely having other quality dating options) are the basis of dependency. The theory is called Power-Dependence Theory and is full of awesome.

Power gives guys freedom from insecurity and self-consciousness. They can feel free to act however they want because they know they'll be accepted in the end. In my experience, if there is too great a disparity in power and dependence, the guy will lose interest.

3. Needy girls conjure up pity and sympathy in their counterparts and make guys feel "gooey" or feel the intensity of drama. This is the modus operandi of the needy person: they play psychological games for "strokes." Strokes are offerings of superficial praise, pity, or commitment-assurances. Strokes give the needy person a temporary feeling of acceptance and security that should really be coming from the needy person themselves. For example, the needy person might pick a fight over something she twisted to look like a rejection. The fight ends when the guy professes his love, apologizes (triggering pity), or gives the girl some sweeping praise. The common thread is the feeling that's produced, which I can only describe as gooey, fuzzy, and warm that drowns out insecurity and fear. The warm fuzz, however, fades like a cheap high and the needy individual starts to want it more and more. It becomes a form of addiction and the neediness spirals out of control as they become desensitized to the drug, needing bigger and strong doses.

What about the guy? The girl's games evoke one of two reactions in the guy. Some games will evoke pity. The girl will feign weakness or vulnerability to trigger the guy's nurturing response. The nurturing response is gooey and fuzzy and the guy enjoys it. He likes the warm fuzz and even starts to think it has something to do with love. Part of his confusion is based on media protrayals of love as a painful, dramatic, intense pushing-and-pulling. Those stereotypes help him justify what is obviously an unhealthy pattern. Sometimes he will respond with anger, where the guy will reject the girl's attempts at control and manipulation. The anger is a form of drama and is, imho, the most addictive substance.

The fuzzy-feeling he gets, the drama, and the way it conforms with his expectations of love make him pursue rather than withdraw from the relationship. You end up with 2 addicts whose addictions are mutually reinforcing. That's a very strong pattern.

4. Needy relationships fill up silences. The neediness creates a dynamic that gives both players a role, as well as a script. This helps the couple avoid feelings of silence, emptiness, and loneliness. Those feelings crop up when people don't know themselves (or trust themselves) well enough to create their own script naturally. They look for a script that'll help them structure their interaction in a way that is supposed to ensure the survival of the relationship. I see this all the time without drama too -- people playing the role of a husband and wife. Of course, not having your own script, you have no chance for real intimacy, just its synthetic counterpart; you are just an actor in your own life.

What're some of your ideas, Curious?

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