Narcissism: Think "Alpha-Envy"

On the surface, Narcissism can be thought of a condition of excess vanity. The term is based on the Greek myth of Narcissus. Narcissus was a sexy but cruel guy. As punishment, the gods make him fall in love with his reflection in a pool, where he ends up dying. Shoulda brought a Snickers.

The DSM-IV defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy” with 5 or more of these abridged qualities:

1. Exaggerated self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes they're so cool that they can only associate with the coolest people or professionals
4. Needs lots of admiration
5. Expects priority and favorable treatment
6. Exploits others for their own end
7. Lacks empathy
8. Envies others or thinks others envy him
9. Arrogance

But honestly, who’s going to remember all that? More importantly, do you really need to remember it all? Not really. Whether someone has 5/5 criteria met or 4/5 doesn’t really matter. Narcissism is a personality pattern that you can become familiar with and start to identify in others. At its core, the narcissist needs to maintain a certain view of themselves as important and high-status, and needs others to agree with that view.

To borrow an idea from Ethology, the study of natural animal behavior, we might look at the narcissist as a pseudo Alpha-male or female. The alpha male attains a level of status by virtue of their earned status, size, aggression, and minimal self-doubt. The narcissist, on the other hand, fakes these qualities.

The key difference could be said to be the self-image that both maintain: the alpha holds a strong, unshakable self-image while the narcissist holds a fragile, “defective” self-image* that is buried in pretension. The narcissist is deeply afraid of the way they see themselves and they overcompensate for that by projecting a image of status, power, and dominance. They collect what psychologists call narcissistic supplies: flashy cars, expensive clothes, membership in exclusive groups, high-status friends and associates, and anything else you might expect from someone who’s desperately trying to get you to see them as important. The narcissist’s behavior is also aimed at creating a façade of importance, doing things that only privileged people would do and refusing to do things that are “below them.” I’ll collectively call these the alpha persona. (Personas were the masks worn by Greek actors through which they would sing and act.)

He is ultimately needy, not self-sufficient and secure like his dominant counter-part; he is desperate to see himself as superior and is desperate to have others validate him. His desperation turns into a form of addiction.

Therapy for narcissism aims at exposing the defective false self and encouraging the client to accept it so the narcissist can drop the alpha persona and form authentic relationships based in intimacy and trust.

* No one’s self-image is inherently defective, of course. Self-images are neutral on their own. But the narcissist sees himself as inherently defective and unacceptable.