Venting makes you MORE angry?

Have you ever had a friend/girlfriend/homeless person ask you if they could just "vent" for a minute about something that bothered them? Have you ever heard someone say they're going to the gym to hit a punching bag for a while to get out some frustration?

We commonly call these behaviors "venting." The idea behind venting is that by expressing anger at some other target, we discharge whatever anger is there and are free to go about our day, collecting butterflies and petting toy poodles at Starbuck or whatever it is we do when we're not on the verge of killing someone. This idea comes courtesy of Freud and his ideas about catharsis. Catharsis is the theoretical release you feel as dispelling a feeling that returns your body to homeostatis.

That's a cute theory, but does it seem realistic? When it comes to anger, we can confidently say NO. It turns out that expressing your anger actually makes you more prone to be aggressive after your supposed "catharsis." It makes sense, too: when you practice being angry and aggressive, you're more prone to use aggression later on, just as having a lot of sex will make you more lusty, or partying a lot will make you more likely to party more (lest you get a disease or a hangover, or both).

The next time someone says I'm going to [have sex/get drunk/party hard/beat up an old person] to get it out of their system, you can look at them skeptically and say something incredibly clever like...

...

oh really?

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Why can't I cry? (user submitted)

Dear Edahn,

Why can't I cry? I get close, but I just get choked up.

Sincerely,

Choking in Chile

~ ~ ~

Dear Choking,

Crying is kind of like an orgasm except you don't feel guilty afterwards. If you are too self-conscious, you'll be tense and your awareness absorbed in your mind rather than in your body. I'm going to assume safely that as you approach the crying-threshhold, you get excited and become aware of the fact that you might start to cry. You might get so excited that you try to draw it out, mentally. That's the point where you're becoming self-conscious and tensing up.

The solution is to give up the self-consciousness and over-thinking, but of course that's tricky, because the way we're used to accomplishing things is through thinking and controlling our thouoghts. If you try and apply that to crying, having an orgasm, or anything that requires sponteneity (e.g., humor, creativity, empathy) you're essentially using your thoughts to try and stop thoughts. That's kind of like disseminating a chain letter encouraging people to take a stand against chain letters. Take action before it's too late! Fwd this to 100 people and a unicorn will appear on your desktop and speak Spanish.

The real way to stop thoughts isn't by out-thinking them or surpressing them, but by laughing at them or understanding them and in turn slowly divesting them of power. When you see the thought that is tripping you up (in your case, a brief wish to expedite the crying process) you can simply understand why it's there. You don't need to make it go away, or change it, or whatever. Just notice it and maybe have a laugh at the entire dillema: I want something badly, but my wanting is preventing me from having it. Great. LOL. Find some sad stuff (see the following paragraph) and just experience what you're experiencing at the moment. If the desire to cry faster pops up, fine. Just continue with what it is you were doing. Let it be there in the background.

You could also try satisfying the need to cry. That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Edahn. Yeah, I get that, but what I mean is give up on the need to cry for now. Suspend it. How? Pace yourself. Take a week to allow yourself to just get choked up and not cry at all. Not only should you not care if you cry, TRY TO NOT CRY EVEN IF YOU WANT TO. Take an hour a day to get in touch with issues of the heart -- things that you find emotional, beautiful, and pure. Stories of inspirational kids would be a pretty safe bet. Music is good. Hope is good. Renewal is good. (Have you seen UP? There're some really beautiful scenes.) In the second week, bring yourself to a deeper emotional state, still, without crying. In the third week, let your self get misty-eyed. If you don't cry by the third week, have your doctor check your tear ducts, you miserable bastard.

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Have a question?

Whether it's a personal issue that you're seeking insight on, an interesting situation you encounter, or just intellectual curiosity, feel free to ask a question. I shall do my best to answer it. You can either comment under this post or send an email to TheAmateurPsychologist@Gmail.com . I won't publish your name unless you expressly authorize it.

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Narcissism: Think "Alpha-Envy"

On the surface, Narcissism can be thought of a condition of excess vanity. The term is based on the Greek myth of Narcissus. Narcissus was a sexy but cruel guy. As punishment, the gods make him fall in love with his reflection in a pool, where he ends up dying. Shoulda brought a Snickers.

The DSM-IV defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy” with 5 or more of these abridged qualities:

1. Exaggerated self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes they're so cool that they can only associate with the coolest people or professionals
4. Needs lots of admiration
5. Expects priority and favorable treatment
6. Exploits others for their own end
7. Lacks empathy
8. Envies others or thinks others envy him
9. Arrogance

But honestly, who’s going to remember all that? More importantly, do you really need to remember it all? Not really. Whether someone has 5/5 criteria met or 4/5 doesn’t really matter. Narcissism is a personality pattern that you can become familiar with and start to identify in others. At its core, the narcissist needs to maintain a certain view of themselves as important and high-status, and needs others to agree with that view.

To borrow an idea from Ethology, the study of natural animal behavior, we might look at the narcissist as a pseudo Alpha-male or female. The alpha male attains a level of status by virtue of their earned status, size, aggression, and minimal self-doubt. The narcissist, on the other hand, fakes these qualities.

The key difference could be said to be the self-image that both maintain: the alpha holds a strong, unshakable self-image while the narcissist holds a fragile, “defective” self-image* that is buried in pretension. The narcissist is deeply afraid of the way they see themselves and they overcompensate for that by projecting a image of status, power, and dominance. They collect what psychologists call narcissistic supplies: flashy cars, expensive clothes, membership in exclusive groups, high-status friends and associates, and anything else you might expect from someone who’s desperately trying to get you to see them as important. The narcissist’s behavior is also aimed at creating a façade of importance, doing things that only privileged people would do and refusing to do things that are “below them.” I’ll collectively call these the alpha persona. (Personas were the masks worn by Greek actors through which they would sing and act.)

He is ultimately needy, not self-sufficient and secure like his dominant counter-part; he is desperate to see himself as superior and is desperate to have others validate him. His desperation turns into a form of addiction.

Therapy for narcissism aims at exposing the defective false self and encouraging the client to accept it so the narcissist can drop the alpha persona and form authentic relationships based in intimacy and trust.

* No one’s self-image is inherently defective, of course. Self-images are neutral on their own. But the narcissist sees himself as inherently defective and unacceptable.

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Homework #1

I tried this when I was bored waiting for court to start one day. It got really interesting and I felt like I had some immediate insight into people.

Imagine everyone around you was stoned. Some people talk a lot about themselves, others relax, others start chasing women, others might become sexually aggressive, some chat, some cry, some just want to play video games. Can you imagine what the people around you might act like?

If you can see what they look like if they were more loose and relaxed, you can identify exactly what they're problem. Forget trying to find the right label/disorder because it'll just confuse you. Instead, just put youor observations into plain English words.

I've found that some people are very serious about their appearance, others serious about their jobs and roles. Some are shallow, others friendly and timid. Some people are waiting for you to play with them, others are islands who want are addicted to scheming and exploitation. It's really fascinating what you can find when you try this.

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How Memory Works

How do cognitive psychologists think about memory? I'm going to present the dominant models of memory and then end with some neat facts about memory that'll impress your friends, if you have any. I've put the psych jargon in italics for those who are interested.

Atkinson & Shiffrin's Stage Theory

There are a few popular models of how memory works. The first is Atkinson and Shiffrin's Stage Theory, also known aka the Multi-Store model. Stage theory proposes that memory works in stages, meaning that you have through 1 and 2 to get to 3. The three stages are (1) Sensory, (2) Short-Term (or Working) and (3) Long-Term.* Here's a guide to help you follow.

Click here for the full picture.

Sensory memory, whether visual (iconic) or auditory (echoic) lasts only 3 seconds. Close your eyes and try and reassemble the last thing you saw. Your ability to do that relies on sensory memory.

Occasionally you will start thinking about something, like if someone asks you to remember an address for them while they talk with their ex-boyfriend about their trip to Las Vegas while you get upset, even though you asked her not to talk to him when you're around on two separate occasions (WTF?!). You've now moved the data into short-term memory (STM). STM tends to be auditory rather than visual. It fades after about 20 seconds unless you rehearse it, e.g., repeating a phone number over and over until you find a phone (maintenence rehearsal).

If you're able to produce the information on demand (recall) or successfully recognize something you've seen before (recognition) at a later time, you were able to store it in your long-term memory (LTM). At this stage, data is typically stored by reflecting on its meaning and creating associations with other memories (elaborative rehearsal); for example, if you hear an idea and disagree with it because it conflicts with some principle you identify with, you've associated the new idea with your memory of your identity and principles. You've elaborated upon the data and now are more likely to recall it. LTM breaks up into procedural memory (how to drive, text message, and text while driving), declarative-semantic (facts) and declarative-episodic (events).

Other Theories

Some no-goodnik cognitive psychologists who shall remain nameless** have disagreed with the stage theory. The Levels of Processing Theory rejects the stage bullshit and just says that memory is a function of how you process data -- visually, acoustically, or semantically. If you see it, hear it, and reflect on its meaning, you have the best chance of remembering it. The Dual-Code Hypothesis is similar, but hold that data is encoded visually, verbally, or, at its best, both.

Neat Facts To Impress Your Friends With, If You Have Any

• Flashbulb memory: Certain highly charged emotional experiences (e.g., abuse, or where you were when Kennedy was assasinated by the extraterrestrial-controlled CIA) are encoded in high detail.
• Recall improves when you are asked to recall something in the same place and in the same state of mind (drunk, high, sad).
• The tip of the tongue phenomenon (TOT) refers to difficulty with retrieval. It has almost nothing to do with oral sex.
• You memorize things best when you're not too relaxed but also not too agitated, with the exception of flashbulb memories.
• Repressed memories retrieved during hyponsis are not necessarily true. Psychologist Elizabeth Loftus was able to elicit false memories in her subjects. Memory people love talking about her.
• Most people can hold 7 +/- 2 things in STM. "Chunking" is a way to collapse lots of information into one "thing," so you can hold more.
• Daytime naps improve memory.
• H.M. was the name of a patient who, after surgery, could not form any long-term memories. Can you say "botched," Mr. M.? He woke up every day wondering where he was. Apparently, he was a friendly, social guy until his death in 2008.

Pop Quiz

1. What are the 3 stages of memory?

2. One form of LTM is declarative-episodic memory. What are the other 2?

3. What was question number 1 in this quiz?

4. Did you remember to follow this blog?

* Can you remember to hyphenate "long-term"?

** Fergus I.M. Craik & Robert S. Lockart (1972) and Allan Paivio (1986), respectively.

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Transactional Analysis: A Guide to Deconstructing Dialogue

In the 1960, Erick Berne (formerly Bernstein) wrote an immensely popular book called Games People Play that kicked off the Pop Psychology movement. His book laid the foundation for a new set of tools to codify and understand human interaction, collectively named Transactional Analysis.

At the core of Transactional Analysis lies Berne’s idea of “Strokes.” You can think of a stroke as an offering of praise, pity, sympathy, mushiness, sappy adoration, or admiration.* "That so bad, I'm sorry!" or "you've such a good person, he doesn't deserve you" are examples of strokes. Transactional Analysts nicknamed them "warm fuzzies." I think of them as "gooey."

Berne noticed that sometimes people communicated honestly and authentically, but other times communicated with a hidden purpose: to obtain strokes. Because these exchanges (or "transactions") followed predictable sequences and had a goal -- a stroke -- in mind, Berne saw them as Games and catalogued a shit-ton of them in his book..

For example, a person might confess they've been having some problem in their life or relationship. You offer solutions, but they reject them all, starting with the phrase “Yes, but…” and find some technical fault. The conversation might cycle like that for a while until you (or someone else) says “yeah, I know, it’s really hard isn’t it?” STROKE! The person then might look you in the eyes, desperate, and thank you for listening. The conversation moves on. The person was not interested in honest, adult-like communication, but in getting you to pity them and console them, like a parent would do for a child. At that point, both people are playing the game of “Why don't you / Yes, but ("YDYB").

Berne saw people as being in one of 3 ego states at all times: the Adult, the Child, and the Parent. The Adult is the rational, authentic, and honest. It neither initiates nor plays games. The Child behaves like a child would. It is needy and avoids responsibility. The Parent acts as a parent would, critical or nurturing. All games are played from Child to Parent, Parent to Parent, or Child to Child.

In Berne’s view, the stroke reinforced the person’s Life Script, a story they developed about the world and how it ran. In this case, saying “it’s really hard” might reinforce the script that “life is hard, and bad things happen anyway, so I am not responsible for my failures and don’t need to try.”

Homework!

Theories are great, but they're useless unless you put them to work. Do you know any game-players? What ego-state do they communicate from? How do you communicate with your parents or kids? When do you seek strokes?

Final Thoughts

Berne's theory is cool. His division of ego-states can be useful but isn't always the best way of conceptualizing personality. Like any psych theory, you should think of it as one analytical tool among many that is right for some jobs and wrong for others. The real contribution of Transactional Analysis lies in the idea that communication often has some ulterior, concealed motive. Once you practice and become sensitive to that possibility, you start to see dialogue in a new light and can develop very quick insight into people, their motivations, and their core fears.

* Berne defined stroke more broadly as "a fundamental unit of social action" and discussed positive strokes and negative strokes. The positive strokes are the ones discussed in his book, as well as in this post.

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Freudian Slipping

"Yesterday I had a Freudian slip at my in-laws' place over dinner. I meant to say 'please pass the carrots' but I accidentally said 'your mother's a stupid hooker.'"

Ah yes, the Freudian Slip. Freud called it fehlleistung which I think is German for completely bullshit theory. While I dig a lot of Freud's work, I'm not a big fan of this particular idea. Nonetheless, it behooves the amateur psychologist to understand what the fuck Freud was talking about and why he cared so much about your mother. But first, I would just like to get to know you we need a little background.

Freud was a smart mofo. He helped pioneer the idea (in the West) that people were not fully aware of what was going on in their mind. He divided the mind along two dimensions, what I'll call content and awareness. The id comprises your primal desires, you know, basic stuff like killing, stealing, and mother-fucking. It operates unconsciously. The superego comprises the social rules that restrict the id: don't fuck that, don't kill this, don't take those. The ego mediates between the two when anxiety is running high by using defense mechanisms. I can't have that? REPRESS! I can't do that? RATIONALIZE! I can't achieve this? INTELLECTUALIZE! The superego and ego operate at the conscious, unconscious and preconscious (almost conscious) levels.

Freud thought that people get tripped up when they don't process things correctly. He thought, based on what he observed, that people were avoiding expressing their disappointments and traumas through their defense mechanisms and this led to complications in their life. When people finally got in touch with their hidden traumas and disappointments, they experienced catharsis, a big emotional release. They could then attain insight into the relationship between their past trauama and present reactions and no longer be controlled by those traumas.

The whole process was taking the unconscious, hidden material and bringing it back into conscious awareness so that it could be squared away. Once you appreciate that, it's easy to understand what Freud was trying to do: summon the unconscious. Freud had a nifty bag of tricks to accomplish that task. He investigated dreams because he saw them as unconcious goldmines, free of conscious editing and censorship. He tried to eliminate the personality of the therapist to create a blank screen for the patient to project their unconscious conflicts (which explains why old-skool Freudian therapists are so unresponsive and irritating). He encouraged free association to coax patients into stop monitoring themselves and tap into their unconscious reserves, like making them dream while awake. And of course, he paid attention to Freudian slips. A Freudian slip happens when a person means to say one thing but slips up and says something else. Freud thought of that as unconcious content bubbling up to the surface and exploited it for deeper meaning and insight.

That should give you a basic idea of Freud's penis. Next time we'll delve deeper into the defense mechanisms.

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Why do men go for needy girls? (user submitted)

Dear Edahn,

Why do men sometimes like women who I would characterize as crazy or disturbed or excessively needy? I have my own theory, but yours is probably more informed/better articulated.

Curious in Cali

~ ~ ~

Dear Curious,

To make sure I understood your question, I interpreted "crazy, disturbed, and needy" as the kind of girl who is always making problems, needs lots of assurances, has a pervasive feeling of abandonment-anxiety, and can't sit still and go with the flow. Does that match your image? If so, off the top of my head, I can think of 4 reasons men get involved with girls who are needy. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to refer to the female as the needy partner, though obviously it can be reversed.

1. The men don't realize that their partners are needy until after they become attracted to other qualities. To borrow an idea from economics, they end up invested in part of the person and become unwilling to relinquish that investment after having sunk so much time, money, and effort.

2. Some men like needy girls because it gives them power. It makes them feel accepted and cared for. Needy girls also do not pose threats to men. They are inherently subservient/submissive, and that gives men an upper hand in the relationship. It gives them power. According to Emerson (1962) dependency is the basis of power. Supply/demand relationships (which in relationships, you can think of as merely having other quality dating options) are the basis of dependency. The theory is called Power-Dependence Theory and is full of awesome.

Power gives guys freedom from insecurity and self-consciousness. They can feel free to act however they want because they know they'll be accepted in the end. In my experience, if there is too great a disparity in power and dependence, the guy will lose interest.

3. Needy girls conjure up pity and sympathy in their counterparts and make guys feel "gooey" or feel the intensity of drama. This is the modus operandi of the needy person: they play psychological games for "strokes." Strokes are offerings of superficial praise, pity, or commitment-assurances. Strokes give the needy person a temporary feeling of acceptance and security that should really be coming from the needy person themselves. For example, the needy person might pick a fight over something she twisted to look like a rejection. The fight ends when the guy professes his love, apologizes (triggering pity), or gives the girl some sweeping praise. The common thread is the feeling that's produced, which I can only describe as gooey, fuzzy, and warm that drowns out insecurity and fear. The warm fuzz, however, fades like a cheap high and the needy individual starts to want it more and more. It becomes a form of addiction and the neediness spirals out of control as they become desensitized to the drug, needing bigger and strong doses.

What about the guy? The girl's games evoke one of two reactions in the guy. Some games will evoke pity. The girl will feign weakness or vulnerability to trigger the guy's nurturing response. The nurturing response is gooey and fuzzy and the guy enjoys it. He likes the warm fuzz and even starts to think it has something to do with love. Part of his confusion is based on media protrayals of love as a painful, dramatic, intense pushing-and-pulling. Those stereotypes help him justify what is obviously an unhealthy pattern. Sometimes he will respond with anger, where the guy will reject the girl's attempts at control and manipulation. The anger is a form of drama and is, imho, the most addictive substance.

The fuzzy-feeling he gets, the drama, and the way it conforms with his expectations of love make him pursue rather than withdraw from the relationship. You end up with 2 addicts whose addictions are mutually reinforcing. That's a very strong pattern.

4. Needy relationships fill up silences. The neediness creates a dynamic that gives both players a role, as well as a script. This helps the couple avoid feelings of silence, emptiness, and loneliness. Those feelings crop up when people don't know themselves (or trust themselves) well enough to create their own script naturally. They look for a script that'll help them structure their interaction in a way that is supposed to ensure the survival of the relationship. I see this all the time without drama too -- people playing the role of a husband and wife. Of course, not having your own script, you have no chance for real intimacy, just its synthetic counterpart; you are just an actor in your own life.

What're some of your ideas, Curious?

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