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Closure and Contentment

This post isn't going to be about research as much as philosophy I've drawn from my experiences and observations.

Though we tend to reserve the word closure for relationships, closure is, in my opinion, the most important concept in someone's quest to overcome life-struggling. To see why, we have to consider what causes struggling in the first place.

The Source of Struggle and Contentment

You can approach struggle (or dysfunction) from a lot of different "zoom-levels" and angles. A biologist zooms in far and see genetics and chemistry as being responsible. A sociologist might see struggle as a result of unevenly allocated resources. I prefer to look at human experience the way it's felt.

There is some struggle that's a natural part of life, but this isn't what I'd call struggling. Struggling is the result of disconnection from ourselves. We disconnect when we get inappropriately lost in our thinking, our worries about what might happen, and our past. When we disconnect, we lose touch with our inner-awesomeness: our kindness, our talents, our insight, our joy, our peace, and our levity. These are all aspects of the same experience. Only if we're self-connected can we form a connection to another person, otherwise it's like trying to have a conversation with someone who's phone is off. For that reason, inner-awesomeness is also the root of intimacy and belonging.

The inner-awesomeness is contentment.* The state of contentment -- which is a state of mind, not a lasting possession you acquire -- opens up new ways of dealing with tricky situations that normally would suck us back into the trance of thought. Not only will you have self-connection, but you will improvise ways to maintaining that connection in the face of new or familiar challenges.

The Role of Closure

There are many self-help gurus and teachers, most of whom have earned by utmost respect, who teach methods of withdrawing from thinking and reinhabiting the body in its present state. The practice is called meditation and while it comes in different forms -- breathing, kindness, mindfulness of a certain aspect of your experience, insight/vipassana -- it always shares the same common denominator: let go of your compulsion to think and analyze and see what's already here.

This is hard for people, me included, to do. We're addicted to thinking and believe that with enough thinking, we'll work our way out of our problems. Sometimes it works, because your thinking can help you compare experiences and arrive at the conclusion that your thinking is the culprit of struggle, rather than the solution. In this way, thinking can self-cannibalize. Most of the time, though, you find that people are deep into their thinking. If it's a trauma, they're lost in their past, replaying memories and continuously reviving their emotional pain. If it's fear or mistrust, they're lost in the future, worrying, paralyzed by their expectations. Either way, the person slowly loses self-connection and inner-awesomeness as thinking overwhelms them and starts to grow lonely.

A good counselor might advise this person to start practicing mindfulness by surrendering the need to think and to start watching what's already here. But there is another way to surrender the need to think: closure. That's precisely what closure is, a device used to interrupt a pattern of habitual thought (or behavior triggered by thought) and surrender to the current situation. It is the event that convinces a person to end habitual thinking. Closure is condensed meditation and requires an equal degree of surrender.

Closure allows a person to make major life transitions and climb out of spirals of shame, grief, guilt, anger, worry, fear, obsession, and loss. Fostering it is an crucial tool in an Amateur Psychologists kit.

Recipe for Achieving Closure

Common sense tells us that there's no right way to get closure. There is no trick or special forumla to produce it. The most important thing is that the event (a letter, a discussion, burning something) is significant for the person. If it is not significant, it won't convince the person to surrender their habitual thinking. For that reason, a good guide should suggest ways to achieve closure but ultimately put it in the hands of the person seeking relief.

A second consideration is make the closure lasting and memorable with something ceremonial. The ceremony can involve 2 stages. The first stage is related to the trauma or issue the person faces and is a symbol of surrendering the old patterns. If they lost a loved one, they can gather belonging together and wear them, or make a website dedicated to the person, create a collage out of their best pictures and memories, or create a personal momento. The second stage has to do with creating a new, fresh path. To accomplish that, they might dye their hair, change their room, or change their wardrobe. These changes symbolize a new direction in life and offer the seeker an alternative to the old patterns.

A third consideration is to remind the seeker that revisiting the old thought patterns is a normal part of the closure process. Closure doesn't mean the old ways will suddenly evaporate. The thoughts may continue, but in a less severe manner, and should be viewed as a relic from the past rather than something to freak out about.

Final Thoughts

This is the reason I don't knock New Age-type therapies. It's not that I believe in them, but the consumers do. That's all they need to take a troubling issue, find closure, and move on.

If you think about your life, you can probably recall moments where you achieved closure. It feels freeing. Here's a picture where I had it. You can see how the face is relaxed and the eyes and soft and calm. There's a smile waiting to erupt. As you can see with my brother, sometimes it does.

* Fuck the word "happiness" and avoid it at all costs. It sounds like someone no one can ever get without a book deal, good teeth, and a job that pays more than whatever you're already making.

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What is Mindfulness?

Unless you're deaf or live in a cave, you've heard the word mindfulness. The term has started creeping its way into psychotherapeutic vernacular. Originally an Eastern mystical exercise, it has now forms the cornerstone of some major Western psychotherapy techniques including Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness Psychotherapy. What is it? How do you practice it? Why won't the Dalai Lama shut up about it? What will it do for you?

Mindfulness is a technique that concerns the way you respond to the content of your mind. When you are mindful, you watch the contents of your mind with a curious, innocent nature, rather than an analytical and judgmental nature. To really understand what mindfulness is, you have to understand what it isn't. To do that, lets examine our day-to-day mental life.

We go through most of the day somewhat oblivious to what's going on inside of us. We analyze, worry, prioritize, and plan one thing to the next. When we get bored, anxious, or sad, we respond by thinking of ways to relieve that feeling. If I'm bored, I think about what I can do for stimulation. If I'm anxious, I start telling myself not to be anxious and plan out ways to gain an upper hand in the situation. If I'm sad, I might start analyzing the crap out of my life, looking for something I can correct to alleviate the sad outlook. There is a snap, automatic judgment that occurs in between the unwanted thoughts and feelings and our reaction where we say: I don't like this; I want something better.

This automatic resistance to experience is normal. It's what keeps our species going. For example, if I'm lonely, I look to solve that loneliness by meeting someone. If I'm concerned about my status and appearance, I do something to help boost that status. When I'm horny, I call up your ex girfriend/mother. This is how our ancestors pushed forward, found ways to survive, and deposit their genes in you.

The trouble occurs when you realize that contentment and satisfaction aren't the aim of evolution. Following your "genetic destiny" by resisting and reacting doesn't guarantee happiness. Why? Well, why should it? The "aim" of evolution is survival. It's tricky, because our biology and psychology coaxes us into believing that if we follow the plan our genes have designed for us, we'll be happy and content. "Keep fighting for money, love, status (generally, "security") and you'll be happy! I promise!*"

Mindfulness is a different way of responding to mental content. Instead of being stuck in our heads, planning, thinking, dwelling, worrying, resisting, and reacting, mindfulness tells us to STFU and wait. In mindfulness, we look at our experience with curiosity as it unfolds and morphs from one thing to the next. When you're bored, you look at the way boredom feels. When you're anxious, you see how your back is all tense and twisted and your mind cluttered with thoughts about what might happen. It's interesting. Strange. When you're depressed, you see how your moods and interpretations are gloomy. Hm. Okay. Not the greatest feeling in the world, but interesting.

All of this is accomplished with relaxed attention. You aren't trying to force yourself to do something special with your thoughts or perception. You aren't trying to see the world as all rosy and full of rainbows and love. You're just looking at what's already here without being a dick to yourself.

Mindfulness slowly collects you and puts you back in your body. You don't automatically stop thinking, and when you first start, your mind starts to wonder and analyze content, but over time, you start to analyze less. You stop thinking about your thinking, which has the overall effect of minimizing the clutter in your head. You can kind of think of it like frogs mating. When your mind is reacting to content, you generate new thoughts, and then new thoughts about the new thoughts. Each generation doubles in size. Before you know it, your mind is full of frogs**. (Wait, what?)

When you practice mindfulness, you stop generating new thoughts about your thoughts. Over time, the original thoughts pass and your mind starts to clear up. When your mind clears up, strength and joy start to creep in. You find that you're able to work through difficult feelings, situations, and stages without resorting to automatic resistance and reaction. You find alternative, wiser ways of responding to things that help create long-term rest and harmony.

Your perception begins to crystallize a bit too and you can see things just as they are. Buddha and his posse taught that with that clear mind, you can look at your own identity and realize that it's not made of anything independent. There is no "I," no actual thing called Edahn. Edahn is just an idea I represent in my mind as having certain attributes, stories, and aspirations, not an independent thing that needs to be defended. It isn't something in the universe; it is the universe. Not the whole thing, but connected with it in a very intimate way. This is the point where all resistance to experience (karma) stops.

If you want to try it out, just see what's going on with your right now. What does your body feel like when it breathes? Do you feel any tension in your shoulders? What kinds of thoughts are youo having? Take a look and see if you can answer those questions. Pretend like I gave you a quiz with those questions and your job was to present the answers not in the form of words, but in the form of an experience. Show me the experience of breathing, feeling, thinking, hearing, touching, pain -- whatever is going on.

*I wouldn't deny that there's some truth behind those promises, but it occurs because of a confusion of terms, mainly, the term "love" which comes in the form of romantic and platonic love. I'll explain this another time.

**I've been informed by one of my loyal readers that frogs produce more than 4 offspring together so each generation multiplies by a factor great than 2. You're right. I assumed, naively, that each pair would have 4 kids, so each generation would double from 2 to 4 to 16. I was wrong for assuming this and I apologize, sincerely.

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Transference in Online Relationships? (user submitted)

Dear AmateurShrink,

What are your thoughts on transference and countertransference with particular regard to online friend/relationships?

Attentively yours,

Lustful in London

~ ~ ~

Dear Lustful,

Lets quickly define the terms tranference and counter-transference. Webster's defines transference as "a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, esp[ecially] of childhood, and the substitution of another person ... for the original object of the repressed impulses." In other words, I was mad at my father, but I'm taking it out on you, or, you were afraid of some guy, and now you're afraid of me. While transference implies a patient projecting feelings onto a therapist, counter-transference contemplates the reverse situation.

Transference is interesting, but not as interesting as it's hot sister, erotic transference. Erotic transference happens when patients fall in love with their therapists. Remember that this idea is Freudian, so we have to start from infancy, where you only had five major psychological disorders. The sequence goes something like this:

1. Baby needs mother's attention to survive.

2. Mother gives baby attention. Baby becomes attached to mother and fixates on her.

3. Baby craves mother and feels "love."

4. Mother has other things to do in her life and must occasionally neglect baby's needs.

5. (Cry)Baby is distraught and represses traumatic breach with mother. Wah!

6. Baby grows up, gets into several dysfunctional relationships, starts smoking crack, becomes a prostitute, and changes her name to Trixie.

7. Trixie visits Therapist seeking advice.

8. Therapist is attentive to Trixie's feelings and needs.

9. Trixie is reminded of the attention she received from her mother, back in 1-3.

10. Trixie transfers the feelings of love she felt for her mother onto Therapist and now begins fixating on him.

11. Therapist says "it must have been hard to be disappointed when you were a child" to coax Trixie into releasing the trauma incurred when she was disappointed by her mother in 4.

Interesting, huh? I don't buy it, but it's interesting. I think it's more likely that we evolved certain fixed emotional "programs" to help us cling to our caretakers, and that these program are executed when we meet new caretakers. But I don't really think that we're thinking about our mothers when we meet these people, and I don't think we need to rehash past traumas. That only reinforces and validates weak, needy living. Instead, tell the person that their feelings make sense, but that real love is something that grows out of independence, not neediness.

Okay, finally, lets get back to your question. Can transference happen in online relationships? It probably happens in all your relationships in some mild form. If you've been rejected by a guy, you'll transfer some of your hurt and fear onto the next guy you meet and perceive him as untrustworthy. Same goes if you're angry.

And what about the erotic type? Look, if you're attracted to me, just say so.

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Venting makes you MORE angry?

Have you ever had a friend/girlfriend/homeless person ask you if they could just "vent" for a minute about something that bothered them? Have you ever heard someone say they're going to the gym to hit a punching bag for a while to get out some frustration?

We commonly call these behaviors "venting." The idea behind venting is that by expressing anger at some other target, we discharge whatever anger is there and are free to go about our day, collecting butterflies and petting toy poodles at Starbuck or whatever it is we do when we're not on the verge of killing someone. This idea comes courtesy of Freud and his ideas about catharsis. Catharsis is the theoretical release you feel as dispelling a feeling that returns your body to homeostatis.

That's a cute theory, but does it seem realistic? When it comes to anger, we can confidently say NO. It turns out that expressing your anger actually makes you more prone to be aggressive after your supposed "catharsis." It makes sense, too: when you practice being angry and aggressive, you're more prone to use aggression later on, just as having a lot of sex will make you more lusty, or partying a lot will make you more likely to party more (lest you get a disease or a hangover, or both).

The next time someone says I'm going to [have sex/get drunk/party hard/beat up an old person] to get it out of their system, you can look at them skeptically and say something incredibly clever like...

...

oh really?

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Why can't I cry? (user submitted)

Dear Edahn,

Why can't I cry? I get close, but I just get choked up.

Sincerely,

Choking in Chile

~ ~ ~

Dear Choking,

Crying is kind of like an orgasm except you don't feel guilty afterwards. If you are too self-conscious, you'll be tense and your awareness absorbed in your mind rather than in your body. I'm going to assume safely that as you approach the crying-threshhold, you get excited and become aware of the fact that you might start to cry. You might get so excited that you try to draw it out, mentally. That's the point where you're becoming self-conscious and tensing up.

The solution is to give up the self-consciousness and over-thinking, but of course that's tricky, because the way we're used to accomplishing things is through thinking and controlling our thouoghts. If you try and apply that to crying, having an orgasm, or anything that requires sponteneity (e.g., humor, creativity, empathy) you're essentially using your thoughts to try and stop thoughts. That's kind of like disseminating a chain letter encouraging people to take a stand against chain letters. Take action before it's too late! Fwd this to 100 people and a unicorn will appear on your desktop and speak Spanish.

The real way to stop thoughts isn't by out-thinking them or surpressing them, but by laughing at them or understanding them and in turn slowly divesting them of power. When you see the thought that is tripping you up (in your case, a brief wish to expedite the crying process) you can simply understand why it's there. You don't need to make it go away, or change it, or whatever. Just notice it and maybe have a laugh at the entire dillema: I want something badly, but my wanting is preventing me from having it. Great. LOL. Find some sad stuff (see the following paragraph) and just experience what you're experiencing at the moment. If the desire to cry faster pops up, fine. Just continue with what it is you were doing. Let it be there in the background.

You could also try satisfying the need to cry. That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Edahn. Yeah, I get that, but what I mean is give up on the need to cry for now. Suspend it. How? Pace yourself. Take a week to allow yourself to just get choked up and not cry at all. Not only should you not care if you cry, TRY TO NOT CRY EVEN IF YOU WANT TO. Take an hour a day to get in touch with issues of the heart -- things that you find emotional, beautiful, and pure. Stories of inspirational kids would be a pretty safe bet. Music is good. Hope is good. Renewal is good. (Have you seen UP? There're some really beautiful scenes.) In the second week, bring yourself to a deeper emotional state, still, without crying. In the third week, let your self get misty-eyed. If you don't cry by the third week, have your doctor check your tear ducts, you miserable bastard.

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Have a question?

Whether it's a personal issue that you're seeking insight on, an interesting situation you encounter, or just intellectual curiosity, feel free to ask a question. I shall do my best to answer it. You can either comment under this post or send an email to TheAmateurPsychologist@Gmail.com . I won't publish your name unless you expressly authorize it.

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Narcissism: Think "Alpha-Envy"

On the surface, Narcissism can be thought of a condition of excess vanity. The term is based on the Greek myth of Narcissus. Narcissus was a sexy but cruel guy. As punishment, the gods make him fall in love with his reflection in a pool, where he ends up dying. Shoulda brought a Snickers.

The DSM-IV defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy” with 5 or more of these abridged qualities:

1. Exaggerated self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes they're so cool that they can only associate with the coolest people or professionals
4. Needs lots of admiration
5. Expects priority and favorable treatment
6. Exploits others for their own end
7. Lacks empathy
8. Envies others or thinks others envy him
9. Arrogance

But honestly, who’s going to remember all that? More importantly, do you really need to remember it all? Not really. Whether someone has 5/5 criteria met or 4/5 doesn’t really matter. Narcissism is a personality pattern that you can become familiar with and start to identify in others. At its core, the narcissist needs to maintain a certain view of themselves as important and high-status, and needs others to agree with that view.

To borrow an idea from Ethology, the study of natural animal behavior, we might look at the narcissist as a pseudo Alpha-male or female. The alpha male attains a level of status by virtue of their earned status, size, aggression, and minimal self-doubt. The narcissist, on the other hand, fakes these qualities.

The key difference could be said to be the self-image that both maintain: the alpha holds a strong, unshakable self-image while the narcissist holds a fragile, “defective” self-image* that is buried in pretension. The narcissist is deeply afraid of the way they see themselves and they overcompensate for that by projecting a image of status, power, and dominance. They collect what psychologists call narcissistic supplies: flashy cars, expensive clothes, membership in exclusive groups, high-status friends and associates, and anything else you might expect from someone who’s desperately trying to get you to see them as important. The narcissist’s behavior is also aimed at creating a façade of importance, doing things that only privileged people would do and refusing to do things that are “below them.” I’ll collectively call these the alpha persona. (Personas were the masks worn by Greek actors through which they would sing and act.)

He is ultimately needy, not self-sufficient and secure like his dominant counter-part; he is desperate to see himself as superior and is desperate to have others validate him. His desperation turns into a form of addiction.

Therapy for narcissism aims at exposing the defective false self and encouraging the client to accept it so the narcissist can drop the alpha persona and form authentic relationships based in intimacy and trust.

* No one’s self-image is inherently defective, of course. Self-images are neutral on their own. But the narcissist sees himself as inherently defective and unacceptable.

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Homework #1

I tried this when I was bored waiting for court to start one day. It got really interesting and I felt like I had some immediate insight into people.

Imagine everyone around you was stoned. Some people talk a lot about themselves, others relax, others start chasing women, others might become sexually aggressive, some chat, some cry, some just want to play video games. Can you imagine what the people around you might act like?

If you can see what they look like if they were more loose and relaxed, you can identify exactly what they're problem. Forget trying to find the right label/disorder because it'll just confuse you. Instead, just put youor observations into plain English words.

I've found that some people are very serious about their appearance, others serious about their jobs and roles. Some are shallow, others friendly and timid. Some people are waiting for you to play with them, others are islands who want are addicted to scheming and exploitation. It's really fascinating what you can find when you try this.

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How Memory Works

How do cognitive psychologists think about memory? I'm going to present the dominant models of memory and then end with some neat facts about memory that'll impress your friends, if you have any. I've put the psych jargon in italics for those who are interested.

Atkinson & Shiffrin's Stage Theory

There are a few popular models of how memory works. The first is Atkinson and Shiffrin's Stage Theory, also known aka the Multi-Store model. Stage theory proposes that memory works in stages, meaning that you have through 1 and 2 to get to 3. The three stages are (1) Sensory, (2) Short-Term (or Working) and (3) Long-Term.* Here's a guide to help you follow.

Click here for the full picture.

Sensory memory, whether visual (iconic) or auditory (echoic) lasts only 3 seconds. Close your eyes and try and reassemble the last thing you saw. Your ability to do that relies on sensory memory.

Occasionally you will start thinking about something, like if someone asks you to remember an address for them while they talk with their ex-boyfriend about their trip to Las Vegas while you get upset, even though you asked her not to talk to him when you're around on two separate occasions (WTF?!). You've now moved the data into short-term memory (STM). STM tends to be auditory rather than visual. It fades after about 20 seconds unless you rehearse it, e.g., repeating a phone number over and over until you find a phone (maintenence rehearsal).

If you're able to produce the information on demand (recall) or successfully recognize something you've seen before (recognition) at a later time, you were able to store it in your long-term memory (LTM). At this stage, data is typically stored by reflecting on its meaning and creating associations with other memories (elaborative rehearsal); for example, if you hear an idea and disagree with it because it conflicts with some principle you identify with, you've associated the new idea with your memory of your identity and principles. You've elaborated upon the data and now are more likely to recall it. LTM breaks up into procedural memory (how to drive, text message, and text while driving), declarative-semantic (facts) and declarative-episodic (events).

Other Theories

Some no-goodnik cognitive psychologists who shall remain nameless** have disagreed with the stage theory. The Levels of Processing Theory rejects the stage bullshit and just says that memory is a function of how you process data -- visually, acoustically, or semantically. If you see it, hear it, and reflect on its meaning, you have the best chance of remembering it. The Dual-Code Hypothesis is similar, but hold that data is encoded visually, verbally, or, at its best, both.

Neat Facts To Impress Your Friends With, If You Have Any

• Flashbulb memory: Certain highly charged emotional experiences (e.g., abuse, or where you were when Kennedy was assasinated by the extraterrestrial-controlled CIA) are encoded in high detail.
• Recall improves when you are asked to recall something in the same place and in the same state of mind (drunk, high, sad).
• The tip of the tongue phenomenon (TOT) refers to difficulty with retrieval. It has almost nothing to do with oral sex.
• You memorize things best when you're not too relaxed but also not too agitated, with the exception of flashbulb memories.
• Repressed memories retrieved during hyponsis are not necessarily true. Psychologist Elizabeth Loftus was able to elicit false memories in her subjects. Memory people love talking about her.
• Most people can hold 7 +/- 2 things in STM. "Chunking" is a way to collapse lots of information into one "thing," so you can hold more.
• Daytime naps improve memory.
• H.M. was the name of a patient who, after surgery, could not form any long-term memories. Can you say "botched," Mr. M.? He woke up every day wondering where he was. Apparently, he was a friendly, social guy until his death in 2008.

Pop Quiz

1. What are the 3 stages of memory?

2. One form of LTM is declarative-episodic memory. What are the other 2?

3. What was question number 1 in this quiz?

4. Did you remember to follow this blog?

* Can you remember to hyphenate "long-term"?

** Fergus I.M. Craik & Robert S. Lockart (1972) and Allan Paivio (1986), respectively.

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Transactional Analysis: A Guide to Deconstructing Dialogue

In the 1960, Erick Berne (formerly Bernstein) wrote an immensely popular book called Games People Play that kicked off the Pop Psychology movement. His book laid the foundation for a new set of tools to codify and understand human interaction, collectively named Transactional Analysis.

At the core of Transactional Analysis lies Berne’s idea of “Strokes.” You can think of a stroke as an offering of praise, pity, sympathy, mushiness, sappy adoration, or admiration.* "That so bad, I'm sorry!" or "you've such a good person, he doesn't deserve you" are examples of strokes. Transactional Analysts nicknamed them "warm fuzzies." I think of them as "gooey."

Berne noticed that sometimes people communicated honestly and authentically, but other times communicated with a hidden purpose: to obtain strokes. Because these exchanges (or "transactions") followed predictable sequences and had a goal -- a stroke -- in mind, Berne saw them as Games and catalogued a shit-ton of them in his book..

For example, a person might confess they've been having some problem in their life or relationship. You offer solutions, but they reject them all, starting with the phrase “Yes, but…” and find some technical fault. The conversation might cycle like that for a while until you (or someone else) says “yeah, I know, it’s really hard isn’t it?” STROKE! The person then might look you in the eyes, desperate, and thank you for listening. The conversation moves on. The person was not interested in honest, adult-like communication, but in getting you to pity them and console them, like a parent would do for a child. At that point, both people are playing the game of “Why don't you / Yes, but ("YDYB").

Berne saw people as being in one of 3 ego states at all times: the Adult, the Child, and the Parent. The Adult is the rational, authentic, and honest. It neither initiates nor plays games. The Child behaves like a child would. It is needy and avoids responsibility. The Parent acts as a parent would, critical or nurturing. All games are played from Child to Parent, Parent to Parent, or Child to Child.

In Berne’s view, the stroke reinforced the person’s Life Script, a story they developed about the world and how it ran. In this case, saying “it’s really hard” might reinforce the script that “life is hard, and bad things happen anyway, so I am not responsible for my failures and don’t need to try.”

Homework!

Theories are great, but they're useless unless you put them to work. Do you know any game-players? What ego-state do they communicate from? How do you communicate with your parents or kids? When do you seek strokes?

Final Thoughts

Berne's theory is cool. His division of ego-states can be useful but isn't always the best way of conceptualizing personality. Like any psych theory, you should think of it as one analytical tool among many that is right for some jobs and wrong for others. The real contribution of Transactional Analysis lies in the idea that communication often has some ulterior, concealed motive. Once you practice and become sensitive to that possibility, you start to see dialogue in a new light and can develop very quick insight into people, their motivations, and their core fears.

* Berne defined stroke more broadly as "a fundamental unit of social action" and discussed positive strokes and negative strokes. The positive strokes are the ones discussed in his book, as well as in this post.

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Freudian Slipping

"Yesterday I had a Freudian slip at my in-laws' place over dinner. I meant to say 'please pass the carrots' but I accidentally said 'your mother's a stupid hooker.'"

Ah yes, the Freudian Slip. Freud called it fehlleistung which I think is German for completely bullshit theory. While I dig a lot of Freud's work, I'm not a big fan of this particular idea. Nonetheless, it behooves the amateur psychologist to understand what the fuck Freud was talking about and why he cared so much about your mother. But first, I would just like to get to know you we need a little background.

Freud was a smart mofo. He helped pioneer the idea (in the West) that people were not fully aware of what was going on in their mind. He divided the mind along two dimensions, what I'll call content and awareness. The id comprises your primal desires, you know, basic stuff like killing, stealing, and mother-fucking. It operates unconsciously. The superego comprises the social rules that restrict the id: don't fuck that, don't kill this, don't take those. The ego mediates between the two when anxiety is running high by using defense mechanisms. I can't have that? REPRESS! I can't do that? RATIONALIZE! I can't achieve this? INTELLECTUALIZE! The superego and ego operate at the conscious, unconscious and preconscious (almost conscious) levels.

Freud thought that people get tripped up when they don't process things correctly. He thought, based on what he observed, that people were avoiding expressing their disappointments and traumas through their defense mechanisms and this led to complications in their life. When people finally got in touch with their hidden traumas and disappointments, they experienced catharsis, a big emotional release. They could then attain insight into the relationship between their past trauama and present reactions and no longer be controlled by those traumas.

The whole process was taking the unconscious, hidden material and bringing it back into conscious awareness so that it could be squared away. Once you appreciate that, it's easy to understand what Freud was trying to do: summon the unconscious. Freud had a nifty bag of tricks to accomplish that task. He investigated dreams because he saw them as unconcious goldmines, free of conscious editing and censorship. He tried to eliminate the personality of the therapist to create a blank screen for the patient to project their unconscious conflicts (which explains why old-skool Freudian therapists are so unresponsive and irritating). He encouraged free association to coax patients into stop monitoring themselves and tap into their unconscious reserves, like making them dream while awake. And of course, he paid attention to Freudian slips. A Freudian slip happens when a person means to say one thing but slips up and says something else. Freud thought of that as unconcious content bubbling up to the surface and exploited it for deeper meaning and insight.

That should give you a basic idea of Freud's penis. Next time we'll delve deeper into the defense mechanisms.

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Why do men go for needy girls? (user submitted)

Dear Edahn,

Why do men sometimes like women who I would characterize as crazy or disturbed or excessively needy? I have my own theory, but yours is probably more informed/better articulated.

Curious in Cali

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Dear Curious,

To make sure I understood your question, I interpreted "crazy, disturbed, and needy" as the kind of girl who is always making problems, needs lots of assurances, has a pervasive feeling of abandonment-anxiety, and can't sit still and go with the flow. Does that match your image? If so, off the top of my head, I can think of 4 reasons men get involved with girls who are needy. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to refer to the female as the needy partner, though obviously it can be reversed.

1. The men don't realize that their partners are needy until after they become attracted to other qualities. To borrow an idea from economics, they end up invested in part of the person and become unwilling to relinquish that investment after having sunk so much time, money, and effort.

2. Some men like needy girls because it gives them power. It makes them feel accepted and cared for. Needy girls also do not pose threats to men. They are inherently subservient/submissive, and that gives men an upper hand in the relationship. It gives them power. According to Emerson (1962) dependency is the basis of power. Supply/demand relationships (which in relationships, you can think of as merely having other quality dating options) are the basis of dependency. The theory is called Power-Dependence Theory and is full of awesome.

Power gives guys freedom from insecurity and self-consciousness. They can feel free to act however they want because they know they'll be accepted in the end. In my experience, if there is too great a disparity in power and dependence, the guy will lose interest.

3. Needy girls conjure up pity and sympathy in their counterparts and make guys feel "gooey" or feel the intensity of drama. This is the modus operandi of the needy person: they play psychological games for "strokes." Strokes are offerings of superficial praise, pity, or commitment-assurances. Strokes give the needy person a temporary feeling of acceptance and security that should really be coming from the needy person themselves. For example, the needy person might pick a fight over something she twisted to look like a rejection. The fight ends when the guy professes his love, apologizes (triggering pity), or gives the girl some sweeping praise. The common thread is the feeling that's produced, which I can only describe as gooey, fuzzy, and warm that drowns out insecurity and fear. The warm fuzz, however, fades like a cheap high and the needy individual starts to want it more and more. It becomes a form of addiction and the neediness spirals out of control as they become desensitized to the drug, needing bigger and strong doses.

What about the guy? The girl's games evoke one of two reactions in the guy. Some games will evoke pity. The girl will feign weakness or vulnerability to trigger the guy's nurturing response. The nurturing response is gooey and fuzzy and the guy enjoys it. He likes the warm fuzz and even starts to think it has something to do with love. Part of his confusion is based on media protrayals of love as a painful, dramatic, intense pushing-and-pulling. Those stereotypes help him justify what is obviously an unhealthy pattern. Sometimes he will respond with anger, where the guy will reject the girl's attempts at control and manipulation. The anger is a form of drama and is, imho, the most addictive substance.

The fuzzy-feeling he gets, the drama, and the way it conforms with his expectations of love make him pursue rather than withdraw from the relationship. You end up with 2 addicts whose addictions are mutually reinforcing. That's a very strong pattern.

4. Needy relationships fill up silences. The neediness creates a dynamic that gives both players a role, as well as a script. This helps the couple avoid feelings of silence, emptiness, and loneliness. Those feelings crop up when people don't know themselves (or trust themselves) well enough to create their own script naturally. They look for a script that'll help them structure their interaction in a way that is supposed to ensure the survival of the relationship. I see this all the time without drama too -- people playing the role of a husband and wife. Of course, not having your own script, you have no chance for real intimacy, just its synthetic counterpart; you are just an actor in your own life.

What're some of your ideas, Curious?

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A Social Psychological View of Burnout

Have you ever been in this situation: you figure out something you love and decide to make it into your profession; soon thereafter, you find yourself diappointed and no longer deriving the same enjoyment from once once beloved activity.

Psychologists have studied these types of phenomena with children and adults. They call it the Overjustification Effect. Building on the work of Desi (1971), Greene, Sternberg, and Lepper (1976) proposed that when people who enjoy an activity are given additional and excessive justification for engaging in that activity they end up enjoying the activity less.

For example, a kid might enjoy doing a chore like vacuuming his room. His parents decide to implement a system of chores where the child will receive $2 a week for completing his chores. In the parlance of social psychology, the activity has been overjustified -- the child has been given a new reason for vacuuming. Over time, the effect predicts that the child will no longer enjoy the activity as much as he initially did. Interestingly, the Overjustification Effect disappears when the reward we receive is intangible, such as praise.

There are a few explanations for the Overjustification Effect. Daryl Bem's Self-Percpetion Theory proposes that individuals perceive themselves engaged in activity and make assessments about their own motivation. If they know that they are getting paid, or really are receiving any type of tangible remuniration, they assume that the activity is being performed for the expected reward. According to Cognitive Evaluation Theory ("CET"), internal motivation is driven by our desire for competence and our desire to determine our own future. Rewards affect both of these, in that they give us feedback about our competence and they can seem as if they're controlling us, rather than us controlling them. So, as our perception of competence and control are disturbed, our internal motivation dissolves.

Personally, I think neither of these are right. When you have a reward that is contingent on your performance, you become self-conscious about your playing, and play, by definition, has no goal.

Overjustifying Your Work

The effect offers at least one explanation for why people lose their drive when they start getting paid for things they love: the activity being reinforced with work becomes overjustified as our enjoyment begins to taper off.

So what can you do? I have not come across any research on battling the Overjustification Effect. Awareness of the effect itself may help. It may be possible to focus on the activity and see the reward as a bonus, rather than as the main drive. This isn't much different from trying to be mindful in your daily work by letting go of the reward in the future and simply amusing yourself with your activity, without forcing it or demanding enjoyment. Perhaps advising someone to seek pleasure in the details of their work would be enough to focus their attention. I'm open to suggestions, dear reader(s). LOL.

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What exactly is an Identity Crisis?

The term "identity crisis" was coined by Erik Erikson (1909 - 1994) a German-Jewish psychologist who was educated and was analyzed by Anna Freud, Freud's daughter. Erikson is famous for his contributions to personality and developmental psychology. He proposed that development occured in a series of 8 psychosexual stages. Each stage proposed a certain dilemma or "crisis," and healthy psychological functional depended on the successful resolution of each crisis.

Age / Crisis / Resolution

0-1 / Basic Trust vs. Mistrust / Hope

1-3 / Autonomy vs. Shame / Willpower

3-6 / Initiative vs. Guilt / Purpose

6-12 / Industry vs. Inferiority / Competence

12-19 / Identity vs. Indentity Confusion / Fidelity

20-25 / Intimacy vs. Isolation / Love

26-64 / Generativity vs. Stagnation / Care

65+ / Integrity vs. Despair / Wisdom

The 5th stage, as you can see from the "chart" above corresponds to identity formation. In this stage, the individual undergoes the identity crisis and must make decisions regarding occupation, values, political orientation, sexual orientation, and group affiliation. You can think of identity as an internal, self-contructed organization of aspirations, skills, beliefs and experiences that each of us lugs around in our heads. In other words, it's the way you think of yourself.

Canadian psychologist James Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! expanded on Erikson's work and further divided the stage into 4 distinct states. The state one falls into depends on where they are in their crisis and what type of decisions they're made. Marcia was careful not to call them stages because he didn't believe people worked through them serially.

Marcia's four states are:

1. Identity Foreclosure - A person in this state has accepted the identity that's been foisted upon them by their friends, family, and significant others. They have not undergone a crisis, but have accepted the identity they've been assigned. They tend to be authoritarian (conventional, obediant to authority and dominating subordinates) and show little autonomy. They also tend to have low self-esteem.

2. Identity Diffusion - Diffusers don't know who they are and are not actively seeking to figure it out. They generally have low self-esteem and poor relationships, but show an ability to think independently.

3. Identity Achievement - These folks have undergone a crisis, searched for their own identity and have developed personal values and self-concepts. They have resolved the crisis successfully. These people have a positive self-image, think for themselves, are moral and reject authoritarianism. They are, in psychologists' view, teh awesome.

4. Identity Moratorium - People in this stage as in an actual crisis and searching for themselves but have not yet fully committed to an identity. They tend to be more fearful and uncertain about the future than the Achievers.

Some people never reach Identity Achievement. You might be able to think of some right now. It's interesting to reflect on your own life using Erikson and Marcia's scheme. For more reading, check out Chapter 4 of Social Problems and Social Context.

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How to Diagnose Your Friends with OCD

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder ("OCD") is a pretty fascinating disorder. One in 50 people are said to have it and if you've ever taken a class in Abnormal Psychology, you probably diagnosed yourself with it too. Here's the nuts and bolts of the disorder, including some tips for identifying it.

DSM-IV Criteria

The predominant guide to diagnosing psychological disorders is called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fourth Edition (or just "DSM-IV"). It's a the psychologist's version of the Bible, just not as depressing. If you ever find yourself bored in life and in need of something to worry about, skim the DSM-IV and I promise you'll find at least 3 disorders to keep your mind busy.

The DSM-IV offers 5 criteria for diagnosing OCD, but as an Amateur Psychologist, you can collapse them into 3 to make it easier to remember.

1. Recurring obsessions, compulsions, or both. (Imagine that!)
   
2. The obsessive behavior is severe enough that the person recognizes their unreasonableness and it bothers them.
3. The person isn't on drugs and the obsessive thinking isn't part of another disorder. For example, if a person with an eating disorder obsessed about her weight, we wouldn't say she's OCD.

What are obsessions and compulsions?

People with OCD begin to have certain thoughts. Common thoughts include aggressive impulses, contamination concerns, and inappropriate sexual imagery. The person thinks something is wrong with having that thought and start to worry and stress out about it. For example, a person at one of my sites recently wrote in about having sexual thoughts about children, despite a long history of defending and caring for them. She thought it made her a pedophile and she freaked the fuck out.

Then comes the compulsion. The compulsion is used to drown out the obsessive thoughts. Common compulsions include whispering, praying, sorting, cleaning, thinking certain thoughts, performing strange, unconnected behaviors (like breathing in a certain way or touching a lamp 3 times). When the person engages in the compulsive behavior, the intrusive thinking goes away temporarily.

Personal Observations and a New Diagnostic Criteria

I've noticed a few features of OCD that I think might create a better understanding of the disorder. (I used to have some OCD-like behaviors when I was a kid, by the way.) First, the intrusive thought is always seen as uncontrollable and automatic. Second, the person always attaches special significance to the thought and see it as arising from their true self. For example, if they have aggressive impulses, they might think that they are serial killers. Sexual impulses? Pedophiles or fiends. Even contamination concerns are viewed as serious and legitimate.

The thing that people with OCD are not doing is recognizing that sometimes thoughts are random and just come and go, and other times, it's the things we worry about that our minds like to tease us with. Rather than being a sign that we're deviants, it's a sign of strictly held values. The more one freaks about the implications and significance of the though, the more they worry, and the more their mind teases them about having it. Therefore in my opinion, the best way to combat OCD is to have the person consider that the thoughts are only there because out minds like to tease us with stuff we find inappropriate or just send us random or even paranoid information. The thing to remember is that there is NOTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. At that point, the person can stop worrying and the obsessive thoughts won't be triggered as often.

With that in mind, here's how I would reformulate the diagnostic criteria:

1. The persistence of a thought that is viewed as uncontrollable.
2. Considerable distress that arises out of the interpretation and meaning attached to the thought (e.g., I must be a pedophile, that must be dirty, I must be a serial killer).
3. A desire to erase the thought and control the mind.
   

And there you have it folks. I know trust that you have a pretty good understanding of OCD, how to identify it, and how to give it to people like an STD. So go! Diagnose and be merry.

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Hello World!

I am pleased to announce the creation of my new blog, The Amateur Psychologist. I have a few aims for this blog that I would love to share with you.

1. Bring research to the people. Researchers in psychology tend to do most of their "posting" in academic journals. As fun as they are to read (yawn), most people don't subscribe to these journals. There is a wide chasm between rigorous, academic research and mainstream understanding of psychology and human behavior. We need a conduit to escort research down from the ivory tower and back to the community where it can be enjoyed by non-academics.

2. Psychology is cool! There's a ton of cool insights psychology has to offer you to brighten your understanding of people and yourself. Having that knowledge gives you an edge in all your interactions with the world.

3. Make an army of me. What could be better than a world full of know-it-alls who discuss psychology any time it's even remotely relevant?

There you have it. I welcome feedback. If you have a question you'd like answered, whether it be a person issue or just something you've been wondering about, please send me an email.

Enjoy!

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