Why can't I cry? (user submitted)

Dear Edahn,

Why can't I cry? I get close, but I just get choked up.

Sincerely,

Choking in Chile

~ ~ ~

Dear Choking,

Crying is kind of like an orgasm except you don't feel guilty afterwards. If you are too self-conscious, you'll be tense and your awareness absorbed in your mind rather than in your body. I'm going to assume safely that as you approach the crying-threshhold, you get excited and become aware of the fact that you might start to cry. You might get so excited that you try to draw it out, mentally. That's the point where you're becoming self-conscious and tensing up.

The solution is to give up the self-consciousness and over-thinking, but of course that's tricky, because the way we're used to accomplishing things is through thinking and controlling our thouoghts. If you try and apply that to crying, having an orgasm, or anything that requires sponteneity (e.g., humor, creativity, empathy) you're essentially using your thoughts to try and stop thoughts. That's kind of like disseminating a chain letter encouraging people to take a stand against chain letters. Take action before it's too late! Fwd this to 100 people and a unicorn will appear on your desktop and speak Spanish.

The real way to stop thoughts isn't by out-thinking them or surpressing them, but by laughing at them or understanding them and in turn slowly divesting them of power. When you see the thought that is tripping you up (in your case, a brief wish to expedite the crying process) you can simply understand why it's there. You don't need to make it go away, or change it, or whatever. Just notice it and maybe have a laugh at the entire dillema: I want something badly, but my wanting is preventing me from having it. Great. LOL. Find some sad stuff (see the following paragraph) and just experience what you're experiencing at the moment. If the desire to cry faster pops up, fine. Just continue with what it is you were doing. Let it be there in the background.

You could also try satisfying the need to cry. That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Edahn. Yeah, I get that, but what I mean is give up on the need to cry for now. Suspend it. How? Pace yourself. Take a week to allow yourself to just get choked up and not cry at all. Not only should you not care if you cry, TRY TO NOT CRY EVEN IF YOU WANT TO. Take an hour a day to get in touch with issues of the heart -- things that you find emotional, beautiful, and pure. Stories of inspirational kids would be a pretty safe bet. Music is good. Hope is good. Renewal is good. (Have you seen UP? There're some really beautiful scenes.) In the second week, bring yourself to a deeper emotional state, still, without crying. In the third week, let your self get misty-eyed. If you don't cry by the third week, have your doctor check your tear ducts, you miserable bastard.